Word 'JOY'
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A little
boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a
man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was
amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up,
like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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Two
young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
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"Little
Johnny, can you spell 'water' for me?"
The teacher asked.
"H I J K L M N 0," answered Little Johnny promptly.
His teacher look puzzled.
"That doesn't spell "water."
"Sure it does," said Little Johnny.
"My daddy's a scientist and he says water is
H to O."
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A little girl became restless as the Preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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A
group of Sun City senior citizens were sitting around
talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," another went on...
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully,
"Thank the Lord we can all still drive."
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A
college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a
trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the
character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another
actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced,
"I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor
began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the
balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
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A
pastor was giving the children's message during church.
For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and
give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on
industry and preparation. He started out by saying,
"I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when
you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..."
No hands went up.
"And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..."
The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.
"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail
when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh
of relief and called on him.
"Well...," said the boy, "I *know* the answer is Jesus...
but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
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After the
christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home
in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the
boy replied, "That Priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
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A
minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and
take a similar position in another church.
Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the
congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in
church.
When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me
to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another
church."
Just then the choir all stood and sang,
"What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
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A little child in
church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When
they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear:
"Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
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THE
COLLECTION PLATE
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the
offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped-up so that everyone could hear
"Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
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FROM
THE MOUTHS OF BABES...
Kids quotes that are a little...off track:
"God bless America, Thru the night with a light from a bulb!"
"0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid
on my knee!"
"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and
to the Whole East Coast."
"We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese."
"Yield not to Penn Station, but deliver us from evil."
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The Sunday School
Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook."
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Pastor Dave tells
us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in a city in Kentucky,
a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son
to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned
over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Dave is going to lose his
place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' "It worked."
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A
new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten
minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave
him in seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last
point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a
try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he
tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing. He tried once
more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire
and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front
row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the woman
replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have
gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
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A
client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic
for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and
under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell
the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my
fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As
I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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HEY FELLAS!
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone
repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective
prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he
interrupted, "the best prayin I ever did was hangin upside down from a
telephone pole."
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A little girl was
sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time
to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did
God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces
again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
